Please remember these are only my thoughts and my beliefs. Everything on this website is only to share with you an insight to my life and maybe help someone in some small way. I am not here to direct you in your faith or debate you about mine.

It is God’s will. I can’t begin to tell you how many times in my life I have heard that statement. It is a phrase that is given to you in your time of need, pain or grief and it is meant to comfort you during your time of sorrow.

I spent most of my youth believing that statement and finding no comfort in it. I went to church and a Baptist school and studied the word of God. I listened to every word and believed with every fiber of my body. I struggled to stay strong in my christian faith as life brought trials and tragedies my way. My life has been filled with enough tragedies to last three lifetimes. So every where I turned I heard, it is God’s will. Remember God will never give you more than you can handle. A day finally came when I got the courage to question that. Is it really God’s will? Does he really place these burdens and pain on your shoulders to carry? I can almost hear you gasping over the internet lines, oh my God she is going to hell for thinking like that. You may be right. I have no idea who is right or wrong, does it really matter? I would think it only matters that we are good christian people, doing good deeds and taking care of the blessings God has granted to us and teaching others about our faith.

I actually remember the first time I heard the words it is God’s will. I was seven years old. I had just began paying attention to things, dragging out family albums questioning my mom for hours who is this, who is that? I remember finding our family bible and looking in it. I had read where my mom had written our family history. There on the page where you list your children’s name is where my struggles began. Brenda was listed first, she is my big sister and I wanted to be just like her. Below her name was Kenneth and Keith, I had no idea who they were or why they were on this page, then Cheryl. (well now you know my secret) As a seven-year old child I was fascinated to see my name in a book, but who were these boys that my mother had written in our family bible. I remember running in to my parent’s room and asking about them. Forty-five years later as I type this I can still see the pain on her face that my innocent questioning had caused. Tears fill my eyes now as I remember. I can hear her soft ragged whisper, they were your twin brothers.

My eyes went wide and my mouth hung open. Brothers? I have twin brothers? Where are they? Why aren’t they here with us? My mother took the bible from my hands and sat down on the side of the bed, holding it close to her heart. I waited. She closed her eyes and said your brothers died when they were babies. My world of innocence was shattered that day. I began crying, screaming at her why? She whispered, it was God’s will. God’s will? It was God’s will? My wonderful God had allowed MY brothers to die as babies? Even as a child I was shaken to the core and lost in my understanding of God. I cried my self to sleep every night for months for a loss that I would never truly understand, until now. What reason would it be for God’s will to allow my mother and father to have twin boys who would live only two weeks? I struggled with this for a long time, mourning for my brothers. I would never have a big brother to protect me. I would never see my father’s name carried on into the next generation. I would never see God the same.

Years would pass before I would hear those words again. Life had resumed and as always time makes sorrow easier to bear. I remember the phone ringing and then heard soft crying. I was eleven years old. I walked down the stairs to find my dad sitting on the side of his bed crying. I had never seen so much pain and anguish on anyone’s face before. I quietly walked away, never sharing until this moment what I had witnessed. It was shocking to me to see my strong father broken. My father’s brother Robert had been killed in a car wreck. Once again the words would be repeated over and over. It is God’s will. I couldn’t understand why God would allow my dad to be hurt so deeply. My dad was a strong man and never cried and for him to be so hurt that he sobbed quietly in a dark room devastated me. I just couldn’t understand why everyone loved this God that would allow such things. For more times than I am able to share I heard that phrase over and over. There would be countless deaths, heart attacks, mental breakdowns, murders, suicides, strokes, blindness, house fires, floods, car wrecks and illnesses that would come into my life, all Gods’s will of course.

I struggled with my faith. I was still involved in the church and functions at my Baptist school. I listened and studied the word intently, absorbing it deeply into my soul, those  words are still engrained there. There were many times when I was alone in the dark, I would question my faith. I believed what the preacher’s said, I believed the bible, and I believed in God. During the daytime I was the devoted christian, at night I was a lost lamb of God.

(Kate Stone)

For months I knelt by my bed, head lowered and a cross in my hand, sobbing and begging please don’t let her die. I would bargain with God every day, I will do anything please just don’t let her die. The pastor at my school knew what was going on in my life and brought me into his office one day where he counseled me about faith, prayer and God’s will. He showed me where in the bible it says Suffer little children, forbid them not, for their’s is the kingdom of heaven. He showed me where it talks about those who believe will have ever lasting life, and that we are not to question Gods will, we are to accept it. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. It would be several months of going into a hospital room every day watching my best friend slowly and painfully die that would test my faith in God. One day I walked in after spending that morning in the hospital chapel, I had been begging God to help me and to save Diana. I told him that I couldn’t lose her she was my best friend. (even now tears are streaming down my face and my throat is closed with emotion and pain) I went into her room and felt like I had been hit with a sledge-hammer. There in the bed at about sixty pounds laid my best friend with tubes in her, machines humming around her, so pale you couldn’t even see her in the sheets. I was consumed with guilt at that very moment when I realized this was what I was praying for? This is what I was bargaining for? Her lying there in so much pain that you couldn’t even touch her bed without her screaming. I realized at that moment my prayers had not been for her, but for me. I went home that night and laid in bed and sobbed until I had no more tears. I knelt on the side of the bed and asked God and Diana to forgive me. I told God I wasn’t ready to lose her and I doubt that I ever would be, and the pain I still feel today tells me I was right. I said a prayer to God…

Dear God,

What ever your will is, please do so now. If it is meant for her to die please take her now. If it is meant for her to live please make her well. I promise I will never pray for anyone to live again. I only ask that whatever happens from this day forward you give me the faith and strength to handle it and the courage to do so.  In Jesus name Amen.

That prayer was said on February 26, 1976 and was documented in my bible as a promise to God. Diana Lynn Wade died at the age of sixteen on February 27, 1976. She was and is my best friend and will be till the day I die. There are many  times I pray that she realizes just how much she meant to me.

My husbands best friend Robert would be killed in a car wreck months later. Once again I wondered about Gods will.

There would be many life changing moments to come my way. So much tragedy and tragic events that I can’t handle thinking about it all. I finally came to a place in my faith that I was able to accept life and the challenges that were  to come.

I honestly do not believe it was God’s will for my best friend to die of cancer, or my father’s stroke, or my mother’s nervous breakdown or that my grandson was born with a life threatening illness, and is blind, or that I personally knew seven people who were murdered, or that I knew thirteen people who have committed suicide, or that I attended sixty-seven funerals in eighteen months. I don’t believe it is God’s will that I suffer from Ankylosing Spondylitis. I don’t believe tragedies or the evil things that happen in this world are God’s will. I believe life just happens and that bad things happen to good people and that good things happen to bad people.

I believe that God is with me, always guiding me, whispering words of encouragement when I am faltering. I believe that he gives me the faith and courage and strength to handle what life brings my way. I believe in the power of prayer and faith and I believe in God’s love. I believe in God’s will.

God’s will was when he created the Garden of Eden, when he created animals to live in harmony and peace. I believe in God’s will, when you hear about a stranger coming forth to help a child who has been hurt. I believe in God’s will, when people gather around to take donations and do good deeds during times of catastrophes. I believe in God’s will, when a doctor reaches out to a patient and offers him comfort and a warm smile. I believe in God’s will when your infusion nurse sits in the chair beside you with empathy and love in her eyes and allows you to bare your soul. I believe in God’s will, when a person reaches out to someone in their time of need with a heart filled with kindness, understanding and compassion. I believe in God’s will, when you look in the mirror and know that you have done your best to be a good person. I believe in the good of God’s will and God’s love.

I simply believe that life happens sometimes the way it is meant to and some ways that it is not. I believe it is God’s will when people turn a tragedy into good things to help others. I think it is the good that comes from something tragic that is really God’s will. We have the choice to change the course of our lives, and sometimes we don’t, no matter what comes your way, the good or the bad you still have the choice in how you handle it and what you allow your self to become afterwards. I strive every day to do God’s will during the good and bad times of my life without questioning why, it is a promise I made on February 26, 1976.

My daughter, grandchildren and my self were evacuating from Hurricane Rita and drove till we found a motel that would take all of us and our dogs. We spent thirty-six hours trapped in traffic during that time. I told everyone we were going to pretend we were on vacation since we had been stuck in the truck so long that we could have been in New York, but were actually in Oklahoma. We went to a small creek, it was such a beautiful place, we played in the water and spent the day being silly.( It still holds a special place in our hearts.)

We decided that we would visit the Oklahoma City Memorial. That memory will be forever etched in my soul. I remember standing there in the darkness of the night with my family safe and sound. It was heart wrenching being there where so many had suffered horribly from such an evil act. When you closed your eyes, the pain, and anguish could still be felt. It was so  breath-taking, and tranquil when you opened your eyes and seen the beauty that people had created out of the ashes of destroyed lives. Maybe it is God’s will when tragic things happen because it allows us to see the good in people and angels at work on earth.

That is the true meaning of God’s will.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” (Edmund Burke)

Let It Be   By The Beatles